The Mustard’s Off The Hot Dog

A FURTHER DIGRESSION INTO ACTUAL BASKETBALL TALK

So game 1 was totally miserable.  For the Lakers throuhgout, and most of the way through for Houston.  Although, an ugly series probably does favor the Rockets.  In positive news, the Lakers played like absolute shit and kept it close, so Adelman and his boys can’t be too crazy about that.

Going into tonight’s game, the sane predicition is that the Lakers will wake up and tie the series.  I don’t think I’m ofering any revolutionary thoughts there.  However,  if the Laker role players continue their absolutely abysmal perimeter shooting, the Rockets can realisitically expect to eke another one out and really put our backs to the wall.  I actually think this a more likely possibility than a narrow Lakers win.  That said, I think Black Mamba and the boys are pissed and embarassed, as they should be, and a high paced blowout could be the order of the night.  In my heart of hearts, I think we’ll see a classic Kobe performance + a big game from one other Laker OR like we saw through much of the season, a subdued Kobe and an all around domination with a bunch of guys hitting double figures.

I hope.

In violation of all previously espoused principles, I present to you my ruminations on what is actually happening in basketball.  These are, of course, in no particular order (Chalip, 2009).

1. Ben Gordon is the most selfish player in the NBA.  But also very good.  Bulls fans must have been tearing their hair out as he threw up all that garbage throughout the Celtics series.

2. The Lakers will beat the Rockets.  As per earlier posts, “Houston will upset the Lakers” has become the ESPN talking point du jour.  The Lakers soundly took care of business all season long against Houston, and I expect nothing to change.  Sure, N=4, but it is all we have to go on.

3. Remember in 2002-2003 when the people actually suggested that T-MAC was equivalent to or better than Kobe?  HAHA LOL ROFLMAO.

4. Artest will punk Kobe out in one game, which the Lakers will win.  Kobe will dominate Artest in another game, which the Lakers will lose.

5. Rajon Rondo is a punk.  In the glory days of the NBA, he would have been taken care of by now.

6. Brad Miller will now be remembered as the guy who almost got clocked by Shaq and actually got clocked by Rondo.

7.  Shaq’s Twitter is the best NBA use of technology since Gilbert Arena’s took bets via his blog.

8. The Nuggets can sweep the Mavs.  The only thing that the Mavs victory of the Spurs proved was that the Spurs era is officially done.

9.  Ditto for Detroit.  Rebuilding time.

10.  Arsenal looked absolutely pathetic last Wednesday.

11.  No team with Hedo Turkoglu will win a championship.  Apologies to Matt Bowers for this does of reality.

12. The Reggie Miller Blackberry communiques on TNT are the NBA’s worse use of technology since Hakeem Olajuwon’s light up LA Gears.

13. I’m pretty sure more people watched me play pick up soccer yesterday than attended the Hawks-Heat series.  Despite the occasional rager (Bulls-Celtics), the 7 game first round is way too bloated.

14.  Big-ups to Lebron for his impending MVP this afternoon.  Biggest ups will go to Lebron if he gives Nike and MSG the finger and stays put in Clevo for the rest of his career.  On a similar note, Chicago should change Derrick Rose’s last name to Daley to ensure that he never leaves town.

15. Congratulations to the Lakers for winning the 2009 NBA Championship.  Duh.

In case you’ve ever wondered who the soul music equivalents of some of your favorite Lakers were, you can now rest easy.

KOBE BRYANT

Talent in abundance.  Possibly a sociopath.  Undeniable work ethic.

JAMES BROWN

The hardest working man in show business.

DEREK FISHER

Smooth.  Devout.  Tough as nails, but secure enough to not act out.

THE REVEREND AL GREEN

You will now fall in love with the next person you see.

LAMAR ODOM

Undeniable talent.  A career marked by stellar highs and inexplicable lows.

STEVIE WONDER

“Is it better to burn out than to fade away?

CLICK ME CLICK ME CLICK  ME FOR THE PODCAST

A sonic update of what’s happening (AKA meeting class requirements). A burger to the first person to name the song and artist.

(the following rant was written LAST Sunday.  Apparently the “Publish” button and I don’t have a good relationship.  This will do for now, some more content to come in the next couple days.)

Dear sports fan,

I also receive the ESPN family of networks.

Thank you,

Tolga

To begin, this is not a post to criticize ESPN (which I may eventually do…).  Rather, my target are the alleged “sports fans” whose life has come to consist of having “sports discussions” which are verbatim recitals of opinions put forth by various ESPN personalities.  This behavior indicates several things:

1. You have no ability to formulate your own opinions.

2. You have the audacity to believe that the group of 16-35 year old men you’re addressing did not also watch 4 Sportcenters in a row yesterday, in addition to PTI, Around The Horn, and the constant stream of ESPN News that was on in their gym locker room, cafeteria, or web browser during class.

3. OR, even worse, you have the audacity to know that your audience does this, and still think that they will find your statement more compelling/original/contrarian than when it was first broadcast (7 times).

4. Your behavior in the bedroom involves a similar process of consuming others actions and trying to pass them off as your own.

5. OR, even more likely, your behavior in the bedroom involves a similar process of consuming others actions and trying to pass them off as your own when there is no one else in your bedroom with you.

When did we become so complacent?  Is there really a chance that the talking heads of ESPN have covered every possible opinion on sports, rendering us incapable of coming up with a different take on things?  Unlikely.  However, in the past week, I presume each of you has been subject to these talking points (my responses in parenthesis):

1. NBA FINALS: Cavs. Lakers. Kobe.  Lebron.  This will determine the hottest debate  in the league.  (No. It will determine who wins 4 games out of 7 in the NBA Finals.)

2. The Lions should draft Matthew Stafford, he is the quarterback of the future.  (There is no way of knowing this.)

3. The Lions should NOT draft Matthew Stafford, the transition from college to the pros is tough and he will not succeed.  (There is no way of knowing this.)

4. The Raiders will have a horrible draft.  (This is an absolutely correct, true statement.  I have made it myself.)

5. X will beat Y because of matchups A, B, and C. (Maybe.  Please expand on your answer using reasoning, evidence, and intellect.  Preferably your own.)

6. The Penguins will beat the Flyers in 5.  (I’m not quite sure this is a sports conversation.  I have never heard of these teams.)

I realize that I may sound like I’m nitpicking, but these charlatans have begun to take all the fun out of sports debate and discussion.  I am guilty of ruining many a relationship with a good looking girl (ok, just a couple relationships, with average looking girls) because I would rather talk about Magic’s no-look passing or Bo Jackson’s autobiography with my friends than go see Victorian period films starring Keira Knightley.

It all comes down to this:  Whether in sports or in any subject, discussion and banter are a beautiful thing, but these discussions must be organic, heartfelt, and often irrational.  Take a seat in any cafe in southern Italy and listen to old men bicker about soccer for 4 hours.  It is more captivating than any artwork  you’ll ever see.  The fun vampires who paint their arguments by numbers via the ESPN infostream should be muzzled, because their behavior is completely opposed to this ideal.  For them, discussion for the sake of discussion, for the sake of enlightenment or passing the time, has been overtaken by a constant pissing match of talking in soundbites and trying to score points in a game where they are the only ones keeping score.  You cannot “win” a discussion by hammering home Tony Kornheiser’s curmudgeonly opinions.  You cannot “win” a discussion at all.  If anything you lose, by taking the fun out of yet another thing keeping this screwed up world sane.

Or, in laymans terms: No one cares.

The Maestro Of Moustache.  Player. Coach.  Hardass.  Kurt Rambis.

Not a Laker. Doesn't matter.

Despite its recent foray into hispsterdom (I think that the ironic moustache has been dead for ~2 years, but some evidence to the contrary still exists), the moustache is still the ultimate sign of virility.  Often the first facial hair to manifsest itself, and the last to fully fill out (if ever, for some unlucky souls).  Men admire a well developed ‘stache and women cannot help but be excited by one (social pressure and the depilation industry have made some women reluctant to admit this, but press them a bit and they will relent that a moustache is the physical equivalent of a chateau in Zermatt with a G4 parked out back).  That said, here are 5 essential Laker crumb catchers…

5.  PAT RILEY

Version 1.0

Most members of my Laker-generation remember the coach who defined the 80′s LA Showtime style and swagger AKA body/style double for Richard Gere in American Gigolo. The earlier, player version of Riley looks like he could have played percussion for CSNY.  Still cool.

4. ADAM MORRISON

no good pics in the correct colors. sorry!

On the list mostly because I wanted a current Laker, Morrison’s tenure and future with the team are suspicious at best.  Nonetheless, it is hard to not like a guy who looks so out of place in his era.  We all had one guy in middle school who pretty much wore the exact same moustache, with a weird combination of sadness and pride.

3.  ELDEN CAMPBELL

the 90's sucked.

Look closely.  You can barely see it.  And therein lies the power…

2. AC GREEN

"you look like AC Green..."

Preacher. Virgin.  Role player.  Guys like AC made me care about rebounds as a stat.

1. KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR

Lew.

Do I even need to say anything?

X. BLACK SABBATH

Because I can...

(all images used respectfully and for no gain of any sort)

I have a Harry Dean Stanton number of 3.  Thank you Bloodsport III….  Details here.

HDS: Certified Dude.

At this point, we are all well aware of the odd pleasure in playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon (although it seems like the cultural cache of the idea has lost its charm).  ANYWAY, while exploring the annals of the Internet, I came across the brilliant time waster that is The Oracle of Bacon.  At first glance, this site appears to be a useful tool for quickly connecting any actor (or anyone remotely famous, for that matter) to Kevin Bacon.  However, upon further inspection, the true genius is revealed: you can dump Kevin Bacon’s smug ass for any one of your choice (or, put another way, the engine attempts to connect anyone to anyone, via movies).

For reasons that need not be explained (although you can go here to realize what an underachiever you are), I immediately replaced Bacon with the ultra-prolific, multi-talented Harry Dean Stanton.  From there, it was off to the races, plowing through obscure movies to connect HDS to Lakers past and present. Here is what I found:

Kobe Bryant has an HDS number of 3.  He was in a boring basketball documentary called 1 Love with Shaq, who was great in The House Bunny with a young nobody named Ryan Rottman, who had the pleasure of working Stanton in 2008′s The Open Road. The documentary connection is cheap and a little boring.  Next.

Lamar Odom (aka the thinking man’s Chris Webber) has an HDS number of 2, and does so in a more convincing manner than the MVP.  Odom was in Van Wilder with Jason Winer, who was in the stink bomb that was You, Me, and Dupree with HDS.

Legendary Lakers announcer Chick Hearn (scroll down to the glossary here if the name of this blog makes no sense to you) also has an HDS number of 2, and he takes a sexy route to get there.  Chick was in something called Longshot with Justin Timberlake, who also got himself into The Open Road with Stanton.  RIP Chick.

Mustachioed, bespectacled enforcer Kurt Rambis is the only man on this list whose toughness comes near that of Stanton, so it is a shame that the current assistant coach (and South Bay Local) has to go through a wuss like Rudy Giuliani to get there.  The two were in Eddie, and Mayor Rudolph later found himself in Anger Management, likely quivering in shame next to the greatness and panache of HDS.  I suspect that Eddie serves to connect many NBA players to actors (NICK VAN EXEL is in that movie.  NICK VAN EXEL.).  If you have successfully wiped this unfunny Whoopi Goldberg vehicle from your consciousness, congrats.  On a related note, I was supposed to be an extra in this movie.  I’m pretty sure I elected to go skate or hang out on the beach that day instead.  It took me 12 years to get another shot at celluloid, but it was well worth it to not have been associated in any way with Eddie.  If you’re interested in following my acting career, you can find my powerful debut in Amir Shoucri’s very well done Decent People. Watch the trailer here.

Wilt Chamberlain, scorer of innumerable points (on several playing fields), takes care of his HDS connection smoothly (DUH) in 1984.  Chamberlain was taking care of the “minority badass in a fictional fantasy land of loin cloths, Austrians, and swords” role in Conan The Destroyer.  Tracy Walter  also appears, before being stoked to play alongside Emilio Estevez and HDS in Repo Man.

Surprisingly, I couldn’t find HDS numbers for Anthony “Pig” Miller, Rory Sparrow, Tony Smith, Elden Campbell, Samaki Walker, or Slava Medvedenko.  Strange, I know.

Now go have fun with the Oracle of Bacon.  Your boss will approve, thanks to this recent Australian research.

wooooooooooo.